A Call to the Vet

(Ferric, Limburger, Punkydoodle)

“Borden Animal Hospital, this is Tina. Can I help you?”
“Can I talk to Dr. Borden?”
“He’s with a patient at the moment, is there something that I can help you with?”
“Well my Punky has gas again…don‘t you Punky doo, don‘t you?”
“Ah, Mrs. Archer?”
“Yes, yes that’s me.”
“I thought so, how are you?”
“Well I’m fine dear, but I was hoping I could talk to the doctor or maybe I should just bring Punky in.”
“Oh now Mrs. Archer, you know I’ll just bet I can get him to come and talk to you.  Hold on now I’ll be right back.”

“Dr. Borden?”
“What is it Tina.”
“Mrs. Archer is on line one. Punky has gas again.”
“Tell her to quit giving him junk food and give him the dry kibble I suggested.”
“I’ll tell her but she wants to talk to you.”
“Okay, let me speak to her and then I’ll need your help in Room 3.”
“Yes doctor.”

“Mrs. Archer?”
“Hello Dr. Borden.”
“Hi Mrs. Archer, and how is……Punkydoodle doing today?”
“My husband made me call. He has terrible gas.”
“Your husband does?”
“No Punky does. Does he have an iron deficiency? I have a friend who was anemic. She has to take these pills and she has lots of gas too.”
“Mrs. Archer, I doubt the gaseous eruptions are ferric in nature. What does he eat?”
“Eat? Well last night we all had sandwiches, don’t you know, with a lovely ham and a nice wedge of Limburger cheese…”
“Well that’s the cause of the gas. We have talked about this before Mrs. Archer. A little bit is okay, but a lot of cheese can give him indigestion and cause gas.
“But he loves cheese.”
“Well it’s really not that good for him and I wouldn’t give him anymore if I were you. Not unless you have a really good gas mask anyways.”
“Thank you for that.”
“You’re welcome, Mrs. Archer.”
“I was being sarcastic, Dr. Borden.”
“I know, Mrs. Archer, that‘s okay. What does his stool look like?”
“He doesn’t have a stool. He just gets up on the couch.”
“No no when he goes to the bathroom. His stool.”
“Oh! Oh of course. Well last night it was pretty yucky. Made quite a mess in the kitchen, let me tell you.”
“It sounds as if your little Punkydoodle is lactose-intolerant. I don’t want you to give him anymore cheese at all.”
“Tac-lose polerant? What’s that?”
“Lactose-intolerant. It means that his little tummy can’t process the lactose in dairy products and it gives him a stomach ache.”
“I know what it means, I just didn’t hear you right!”
“Sorry Mrs. Archer. Give him dry dog food. It’s really the best thing for Punky.”
“But it’s so boring!”
“Dogs don’t get tired of the same old thing like we do, Mrs. Archer. He’ll be fine, I promise.”
“Well okay, I’ll try it. If you say.”
“I do, Mrs. Archer. Punky will thank you for it.”
“Oooh, my widdle punky wonky doo! Sit for your mama, sit! Oh, oh GEORGE! GEORGE COME HERE HE‘S DOING IT!”
“Mrs. Archer?”
“Oh, yes doctor.”
“No more people food. Agreed?”
“Okay, Dr. Borden, if you say so.”
“I do. Only dry dog food.”
“Okay doctor, thank you!”
“Bye Mrs. Archer.”
“Good-bye Dr. Borden. GEORGE! YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT PUNKY DID!”
Click.