Zombie, Pineapple, Octopus
Okay good readers, my friend’s kids wanted a story about a certain yellow, square sea sponge, and in the wish to avoid any copyright issues I did a parody of said sponge instead. Hey, we all have lame writing days, this is MY lame, I own it, it’s Mine! Your kids might like it though, everyone knows that grown-ups are lame!
Once upon a time, at the bottom of the sea, in a place called Bermuda ShortsPocket there lived a young sea urchin named Spifflepants BittyNoggin. He lived in a Pineapple (what, you believe that? He’s a sea urchin. He lives on a rock!) and his best friend was an octopus named Duffy (who lives in a crevice between the rocks).
Spifflepants had a new job and today was his very first day. He was going to sell used clams at Fishbait’s Clam Paradise. He hurried to his job at the used Clam lot to start work. His boss, Mr. Fishbait met him outside the office.
“Sales are down a little here lately Spifflepants, and that’s not good. Not good at all.”
“No sir it isn’t! What can I do?” Asked Spifflepants.
“Today, I am offering a free wash to anyone who actually buys a clam.”
“Oooh, that’s an amazing idea Mr. Fishbait!”
Mr. Fishbait swelled with pride, puffing his chest out. As he did his left pinky finger suddenly popped off!
“Oh no, better get that Mr. Fishbait!”
“Ah, the perils of being a zombie.” Said Mr. Fishbait. “Go put it with the ear in my office, son.” In his office Mr. Fishbait had a bowl, and in it were various body parts that were stubborn and kept falling off. His left ear and part of the left jaw (Mr. Fishbait was a perfect used clam salesman, he could truly talk out of the side of his mouth), a toe and now one of his fingers. “And when you get back you can start on that clam,” he said, pointing.
When he came back, Spifflepants found Mr. Fishbait out on the lot, talking to a customer. He looked around and saw a bucket and some rags. He filled it with water and noticed there was no soap. “Hmmm, where I can find some soap?” Spifflepants wondered.
“Like, Hi dude.”
“Duffy!” Spifflepants welcomed his best friend and then showed him his shiny new bucket. “I’m going to clean some clams today, yes sir!” He boasted. “You had best step back and watch; I wouldn’t want you to get hurt when I clean two of them at once!” Spifflepants boasted.
“I could clean clams too,” said Duffy. “Dude. I could help you!” He picked up a rag and went to the bucket. “Hey. You can’t wash a clam without bubbles, man.”
“Hmmm, you’re right Duffy!” Spifflepants looked around.
“AHA! What do you see there?” He said, pointing.
“Um, a dirty clam, sitting next to a beat up clam,” he said.
“No no, there. The office…and what is inside the office?” Asked Spifflepants.
“Um, there‘s a coffee maker, and there‘s some Preparation H in the top drawer of the desk…”
Spifflepants stopped and looked at him for a second. “Ah, no. There’s a bathroom in there Duffy! And what do you find in a bathroom?”
“Uh…gees this is hard, man.” Duffy wasn’t the sharpest octopus in the ocean.
“There’s soap in there. Soap!” Off ran Spifflepants. He came back carrying the whole canister from the bathroom. He poured it into the bucket and stood back smiling. “Okay Duffy, watch a master at work.”
Spifflepants went to work in a frenzy. Bubbles flew, water splashed and before long Spifflepants had soaked his clothes. All this, just getting the sponge out of the bucket. He stood back and studied the clam with his thumb held out at arm’s length; much like a painter might look at his work. He raised his rag and dabbed at a spot on the windshield.
“Hmm,” he said. He looked, then dabbed at another spot. Mr. Fishbait came over and saw what Spifflepants was doing.
“Spifflepants! What do you think you’re doing son?” He spit out a tooth and then had to pick it up and put it in his pocket. “You can’t wash clams like that, it’ll take all day!”
“Dude, I can wash clams.” Said Duffy.
“You’re hired.” Said Mr. Fishbait. Spifflepants frowned. He was supposed to wash clams today. Now Duffy was going to wash clams too and Spifflepants wouldn’t get his chance to shine.
Duffy got a rag and started cleaning a clam. Suddenly he felt a drop of bubbly water on his neck.
“Spifflepants,” Duffy said, “did you just splash soapy water on me?”
“Why no, I did not.”
Duffy went back to his cleaning. Splash. Drip. There it went again. Only this time, it was a whole bunch of drops and bubbles. “Hey man, cut it out!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about Duffy. You better not…”
Duffy dunked his rag in the bucket of suds and slapped Spifflepants’ clam with it.
Oh! Oh! No you did not!”
Duffy looked at the rag in his hand.
“Well yea man, I kind of did.”
Spifflepants dropped his rag in the bucket and pulled it out and threw it at Duffy, who did the same and then managed to get the bucket and pour it over Spifflepants head! On and on they fought. Mr. Fishbait came over and made the mistake of getting a little too close while he yelled at them to stop. Off went his arm, and he started screaming. That got their attention.
“Alright boys! That’ll be enough of that!” Mr. Fishbait became red in the face and that’s quite a feat for a zombie, let me tell you. Both boys stood there with heads hung low. “Say you’re sorry and get back to work. Someone find my arm!” He yelled as he stalked off.
Spifflepants looked up and saw the mess he had made. He wanted to cry. The clam was still dirty, there were bubbles everywhere, the zombie was missing an arm and the bathroom was all out of soap. On the positive side, both he and Duffy had a delightful floral scent.
“I’m sorry Duffy. I shouldn’t have splashed water on you.”
“That’s alright Spifflepants; I shouldn’t have tried to take your job.”
“That’s okay. Hey I know, let’s wash them together!”
And that is just what they did. They gathered all the bubbles they had made while they were fighting and used them to clean all the clams. Mr. Fishbait was happy (they found his arm and returned it to him); everything on the lot was clean and the bubbles hadn’t gone to waste.
Mr. Fishbait headed back to his office to try to re-attach his body parts. Slimy work, that. He went to the bathroom to wash up and the soap canister was missing. Suddenly he knew where all the bubbles had come from.
“S p i f f l e p a n t s!”